Quarantine is causing people to make new discoveries about their spouses. Unfortunately, some are discovering fundamental incompatibilities that have them contemplating divorce. I can’t tell you whether it’s time to walk away from your marriage, or whether your frustrations will fade as lockdowns relax. But as a divorce lawyer, I can recommend five things you can do right now to best prepare yourself and potentially save countless dollars in future legal fees.
1. Set realistic expectations. Too often, I see my clients start on the path to divorce with the expectation that their lives are going to be the same as they were when they were married, just without their current spouse. The reality, for the majority of people, is that divorce will necessitate changes—sometimes major changes—in how they live, both financially and as a parent. Countless hours and dollars have been spent by parties litigating when they should have settled, seeking concessions from their spouse that just aren’t realistic. While any lawyer worth hiring will do their best to advise their clients to only litigate when it makes sense, ultimately the decision is the client’s. Make sure you’ve gone into the process understanding the reality that your life is going to have to change, in some ways, dramatically.
2. Get a handle on your finances. It is far more expensive to maintain two households than it is to maintain one. If a family was living right up to (or past) their means while they were married, they will need to make changes to match the new financial reality. Getting divorced might mean that you have to get a new job, move to a cheaper home or different neighborhood, substantially reduce discretionary spending, or sell certain assets to pay ongoing expenses. Start thinking critically about your monthly budget, your income as compared to your spouse’s, what kind of assets you have now (and to whom they belong). Consider how you would adapt to half your current income, perhaps less. Having a financial plan for when you’re no longer married will prevent unreasonable or unrealistic expectations for settlement and make it much, much easier both to get divorced and be divorced.
If you signed a prenuptial agreement, you need to review and factor it into your future financial plans. Prenuptial agreements can completely determine what financial rights to property and spousal support you might have following your marriage. And to be clear, “my spouse told me that the prenup was just a formality” is not going to hold up in court.
3. Start considering hard truths about co-parenting and custody. Although some outmoded gender norms remain, the expectation that the mother “gets the kids” while the father sees them every other weekend is a thing of the past. These days, most divorced couples have shared custody agreements that impose heavy responsibilities of coordination and collaboration on both parents. That means that all sorts of things you left to your spouse—waking the kids in the morning, helping with their homework in the evening, or taking them to hockey practice on the weekends—will now fall to you, even if only for part of each week. Will you need to change shifts, work a different schedule, come in early, leave late, reduce or rearrange your business travel schedule, or skip out-of-office networking and similar events?
4. Hone your own dispute resolution skills. Think about all the decisions about your kids that you let your spouse decide. Maybe the topic was something your spouse cared more about, or maybe you just didn’t want to rock the boat, so you let your spouse call the shots. After you’re divorced, these disagreements, and many more, will have to be hashed out with a therapist, a mediator, or in court. Take the time now to do some self-reflection about what kinds of things are really important to you and worth fighting for, and learn some stress-relief or anger-management techniques to help you let go when you are just fighting to fight.
5. Seek out a lawyer whose approach aligns with your goals, not just your anger or fears. TV shows and movies like “Marriage Story” make it seem like there are only two kinds of divorce lawyers: sharks or chumps. In truth, lawyers have all kinds of different styles and approaches to cases. When you finally decide to pick up the phone and start interviewing lawyers, find a lawyer you feel comfortable with and whose approach fits with how you envision your case. You’re going to spend a lot of time talking to your lawyer about the most private and personal aspects of your life, so make sure that is something you can picture yourself doing for months or maybe even years.
Reid Aronson is a partner of the law firm Aronson Mayefsky & Sloan, an internationally recognized law firm exclusively practicing matrimonial and family law, primarily in Manhattan and environs.
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June 08, 2020 at 10:45PM
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Has Quarantine Got You Thinking Divorce? Five Things You Can Do Right Now To Prepare | New York Law Journal - Law.com
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